Top 6 Worst Pets

Cat
Patients at one Rhode Island nursing home do not want a visit from Oscar the cat. For five years the otherwise unsocial feline has been cozying up to old people—about 50 so far— just hours before they kick the bucket. Oscar’s prognostications are so dead-on that they’ve even inspired a book. (Just don’t hold your breath for a Pixar movie.)

Rabbit
Actress Kate Beckinsale has it all. Except, that is, for a masturbating rabbit. She gave hers away, tired of explaining to her daughter why he constantly pleasured himself and humped his food bowl. Said Kate of the randy rabbit: “He was boring. Other than masturbate, he didn’t do anything.” Guess we’ll never get hired as her houseboy.

Dog
Becca’s owner knew his pet had a problem when she started ejecting liquid from both ends, but disaster was averted when the black Lab finally puked up a black dress sock. Well, until Becca promptly ate the vomit-covered sock again, lodging it in her intestines and necessitating a $2,500
surgery. For that bill she could have mauled a neighborhood child!

Parrot
Leeds resident Chris Taylor figured something was up when his parrot, Ziggy, a master mimic, started saying, “I love you, Gary,” in his girlfriend’s voice. Ditto the kissing sounds Ziggy made every time “Gary” was said on TV. Yep, turns out Chris’ girlfriend was cheating, but Ziggy should
have kept his beak shut. Disturbed by this masterful impersonation, Chris soon sent Ziggy packing, too.

Lion
The state of Ohio doesn’t require permits for wild animals. After Lambert, a 550-pound lion, broke out of his cage and started chasing cars down a busy highway, they may want to change that policy. (Much to the highway patrol’s chagrin, Lambert was recaptured by his owners before the world’s coolest target practice could begin.)

Spider
German weirdo Mark Voegel made creepy-crawlies his life—and they made him a meal. After Bettina the black widow gave him a fatal bite, his other “pets”—200 spiders, a few snakes, thousands of termites, and a gecko named Helmut— gorged on his body. His web-covered corpse was found two weeks later after neighbors detected a funky smell.