The Top 10 Ways to Get Laid for Under 10 Bucks

10. Take Her to an Art Gallery Opening

Art gallery openings are the perfect cheapskate’s date.  They provide free booze, the heightened atmosphere of a premiere, and usually don’t have a guest list. A date at an art gallery will impress your lady friend. It will make you look sophisticated, creative, and passionate. The art will also help stimulate conversation. If you really want to ensure getting laid, do your homework and take her to an art gallery with sexually charged artworks. Some tasteful nudes will plant the seeds of sex in her head. You will also be able to work out your chances of getting laid by watching her reaction to the art. If she blushes, you can laugh it off and drop her home early. If she loves it, then you’re in with a fighting chance. Heighten the stakes by suggesting you go back to your place and recreate some of the images. Girls love to get creative, and this is a great way to get her naked.

9. Go Stargazing

A girl goes crazy when a guy gets creative and organizes a romantic date. One of the most romantic dates is stargazing. All you need is a car, a blanket, a clear night, and some stars in the sky. You may also want to throw in a cheap bottle of wine. Before the date, do some research on the different star constellations. This will give you something to talk about and make you sound passionate and intelligent. This type of setting is ideal for big conversations about life, love, hopes and dreams. Girls love this spiritual crap and you will be able to fake a deep connection. This coupled with the stars and wine and you’ll be getting jiggy with it.

8. Pretend You’re in a Band

Chicks dig rockers. Dudes who are in bands don’t even have to speak and they get laid. Being a rocker is also an economical way to dress. How many times have you worn expensive clothes to a club or bar and gotten nowhere while at the same time some guy who looks homeless is getting some mad action?

All you need to do to look like a rock star is go to your local thrift store and stock up on a pair of tattered tight jeans and a washed out AC/DC t-shirt. Couple this with a belt and unwashed hair and you’ll be in like Flynn. If you have some cash left over, add a fake tattoo for effect. Once you’re in ‘costume,’ go to a bar full of groupies, talk bullshit about your music and wait for them to flock.

7. “Learn” a Foreign Accent

I hate guys with foreign accents because they don’t even need to try and they get play. Women go weak at the knees over some dude with an accent. I suppose accents are like cheese, and most girls like something foreign and exotic.

To a girl, a guy with a foreign accent is like taking a vacation, and you know how slutty girls are when they are on vacation. Girls also like the thought that a dude they hook up with is not going to end up as a neighbor or someone they’ll bump into at the supermarket.

To get laid like a foreigner, learn an accent. Rent an English language film with a French or Italian actor in it and copy how they sound. If this is too difficult, pretend you are English, Australian or South African. The next step is do some research online and prepare you back story. You want a girl to be swept up in your foreignness. Do this and you’ll sweep her off her feet and into your bed.

6. Play the Sympathy Card

Only play the sympathy card to get laid if you are desperate and have tried and failed with the other suggestions on this list. That said, playing the sympathy card is a sure thing and a super cheap way to get action. If you want to do some research on how to get sympathy sex, watch Choke. This film is about a guy who pretends to choke in restaurants in order to take advantage of the kindness of strangers. His fake choking incidents lead to money and sex.

The most important part of sympathy sex is making sure you have a well thought out plan. Target your sad, sympathy-inducing story to the girl you want to bang. For instance, if you know a girl who really loves dogs ring her up all sad and ask her to come over to your place. Before she arrives, it is important to look like you’ve been crying and are really upset. Try chopping an onion. When she arrives tell her your beloved childhood dog just passed away and that you needed someone to talk to, console you and share a cheap bottle of wine with. In no time she’ll be hugging you, a little drunk and asking you how she can make you feel better. You know the rest. Near death experiences, where mouth-to-mouth is needed, are also a good way to get sympathy sex.

5. Be the Rebound Guy

When women get dumped they crave male attention. They desperately want to be desired and get back at their ex. This means they are up for a lot of random sex. A small window exists with women on the rebound where it is acceptable for them to be absolute whores. Take advantage of this window. Crawl Facebook and keep an eye out for female friends whose status has changed from “In a Relationship” to “Single.” Then hit them up for a casual coffee. Before you know it, you’ll be hitting it.

4. Chase Chubby Girls

The trick to getting laid on the cheap is to lower your standards and find girls with low self-esteem. Girls with the lowest self-esteem are fat chicks. Chubby girls are not accustomed to receiving attention or compliments. All you need to do is talk to a porky and she’s all yours.

A sneaky thing to do with a chunky chick is to talk about food. Firstly, you know they’re interested in it and secondly, you can use this information to get laid. Try and steer the conversation to fast food. Find out what place she really loves, agree with it and then suggest you guys go grab it sometime on a date. She’ll think you’re being cute and ironic, whereas you know you’re being cheap. On the date, order ten items from the $1 menu and share it with her (she’ll think this is romantic). Once the meal has ended she’ll feel guilty and unattractive. It is your job to reverse this, so take her home and get McNasty with her.

3. The Craigslist Special

The World Wide Web made getting laid as simple and easy as a few clicks of the mouse. The Craigslist special is the cheapest and most convenient way to hook up. All you need is patience, low standards and a stock standard email you can quickly send out to any woman who fits your broad criteria. Be prepared to hit up a bunch of girls, because Craigslist is a numbers game. The pay off is you don’t even need to buy the girl a drink. The downside is that petite 18-year-old with the hot photo is most certainly a crazy, overweight, middle-aged freak. Still, getting laid is getting laid.

2. The Ex

Once you’ve had sex with someone a few times it is really easy to tap it again, whenever you want. Ex sex can be extremely messy, but if you’re really horny you won’t mind dealing with the consequences. Hooking up with an ex is child’s play. All you need to do is call her up and tell her you’d like to talk. Arrange to meet, buy her some cheap supermarket flowers, and tell her you still love her (even/especially if you don’t mean it). This will inevitably lead to intercourse as you reminisce about old times and she plans your future together. In the morning, prepare to be a dick and cut her off.

1. Offer a Ride Home

Be the ultimate dude and offer a girl a ride home. It shows that you are responsible, caring and chivalrous. Use the drive time to get to know each other better. This is the perfect time to get flirty and intimate. Whatever you do, don’t let the conversation die. You must convince her to invite you into her home, so you can continue that witty, in-depth conversation. If that doesn’t work, invite yourself in by saying you need to use the restroom. Then suggest a nightcap. Continue the conversation and let your words penetrate her until she is putty in your hands.