10 Rules Real Men Never Break

1. Never Use The Term “Yay,” “Tee Hee” Or The Most Devastating, “Oh Noes!”
There’s never a time a guy needs to deploy this trifecta of tenderness.
It feels very lolcatty.
Is there anything lolcats won’t ruin?
2. Never Be So Into Your Birthday.
You present this facade of being a man and then when your birthday rolls around, you immediately grow a uterus.
It’s my birthday week!  We’re so partying, you guys!
Did you just read that?
That’s you.
3. Never Carry A  Man Purse.
What contents do you have that overflow a pocket, sir?
Keys, money, credit cards, condoms.  That’s all you need.
Maybe a saw.  Perhaps one of those over-sized mallets Elmer Fudd used on the Tazmanian Devil.
But that’s it, dude.
No purse.
4. Never. Talk. In. Broken. Sentences. To. Convey. How. Great. Something. Is.
Real men don’t write Best. Fondue. Ever.
5. Never Own A Diary.
I own one.  I carry it around to capture the varied voices I hear on the street.
Fine, to draw boobs.
One day I lost it at a brewpub near my house.  I went back and told them I had lost my diary.
That’s when the most emasculating moment of my life happened.
All the guys at the bar looked around to help me find my diary.
Hey Fella, I think I found it.  It looks like one a’ them Dora The Explorer things.
Really, idiot?  Because that’s a pebble leather executive journal.
6. Never Wear Socks With Sandals.
Not just because it looks bad, but because it’s a sign you’re indecisive.
Are you protecting your feet against the open air or are you not?
Don’t sit on the fence of fashion.
This helps you get not-laid.
7. Never Wear Extremely Tight Pants, Bicycling Shorts, Or The Most Alarming, A Speedo.
Women have camel-toe to worry about.  You have something much, much worse.
The banana boat.
The moose knuckle.
The man mound.
Do those sound like things you should share?
8. Never Heart Anything.
I talked about how I can’t stand the term I heart you.
But women can get by with it.  Especially if they’re all cute and giggly.
But you?   You can never heart anything.  If you ever slip, recover immediately.
Hey Buck, I totally heart you.
Whatd’ya say boy!?
I said I’m totally …hard…
What?
..for you.
Trust me.  Buck’ll take that better.
This individual can heart things. You, sir, cannot.
9. Never Sculpt Your Eyebrows.
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10. Never Listen To Justin Bieber.
Or watch the Bachelor.