Top 10 Least Sexy Vampires of All Time
Jamie Campbell Bower, The Twilight Saga
Despite the fact that there have already been three movies in the film franchise, it’s not easy to find a mildly unattractive vampire in the lot. Woerner only offered up the Volturi, namely the white-haired Caius Volturi, from 2009’s New Moon. Not only does his skin tone blend too seamlessly with his locks, but his red eyes are an embarrassment next to Edward Cullen’s. Plus, unlike his super-power-wielding Volturi brethren, Caius has no known special power, which doesn’t bode well with the ladies.
Bill Paxton, Near Dark
Paxton may have started out as a sexy vampire — complete with leather motorcycle jacket and Ray-Bans — in this 1987 flick (which happened to be written and directed by recent Oscar winner Kathryn Bigelow), but Woerner says, “by the end, his character Severen looked more like a member of the walking dead” than the cute guy from Twister. “A vicious battle took massive chunks of Severen’s face off,” she explains. “Because this particular vampire didn’t heal as swiftly as some of the more modern vamps, he was forced to spend the rest of the movie without half of his face.”
David Arquette, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Before Buffy became a hit TV show filled with super-hot ’90s-era vampires like Spike and Angel, Courteney Cox’s hubby starred in the 1992 movie version. Woerner’s interpretation? “His character, Benny, changed from a lazy friend of Luke Perry’s to a white-faced, pointy-eared bloodsucker who can hover above the ground and claw at your bedroom window.” Hot.
Grace Jones, Vamp
Although the Jamaican-American singer and model played a vampire queen in this 1986 film, Woerner added her to this list likely because she too closely resembled the demonic clown from Stephen King’s It.
Gary Oldman, Dracula
“While Winona Ryder may have preferred him in his much more human shell, Gary Oldman took on several disgusting forms in Bram Stoker’s Dracula,” Woerner says of the 1992 film — in which he also rocked quite the widow’s peak in all of his wigs. “He went from a wolf man to a bat creature to a dog-faced monster who cried black tears in one week alone.”
Nicolas Cage, Vampire’s Kiss
The action star had an encounter with a neck-biter in this 1988 film, but “No one really knows if Cage’s character, Peter Loew, was ever actually bitten by a vampire,” Woerner admits. “What we do know was that he believed it and went from high-level, power-suit-wearing executive to crazed club kid killer who slept under his overturned couch and wore giant plastic costume fangs.”
Kiefer Sutherland, The Lost Boys
“Don’t let the ’80s ‘do fool you,” Woerner insists. “Kiefer could be pretty hot when he wanted to be, until you got him angry.” The modern-day Jack Bauer starred as David (alongside the Coreys, Corey Feldman — who also makes this list — and the late Corey Haim) in this 1987 vampire party flick. “When pissed, David would break out the yellow fever vampiric eye along with the fairly common rumpled vampire brow, making him look like a pale Hell beast.”
Allan Hyde, True Blood
Much like the Twilight caliber of cuteness, Woerner says the HBO series sets the bar high for fanged hotness. So although Hyde’s character, the 2,000-year-old inked-up Godric, isn’t repulsive by any means, he sired the hot-tastic Alexander Skarsgard. Let’s be honest: Anyone standing next to that fine piece of immortal ass just pales in comparison.
Tom Cruise, Interview with the Vampire
Sure, Jerry Maguire spent the majority of his screen time in Anne Rice’s screenplay-turned-blockbuster dressed in frilly jackets with long, flowing blond hair. Could be considered mildly sexy, depending on one’s taste. But when Brad Pitt and Kirsten Dunst try to kill him by slicing him open and throwing him in a swamp, his character, Lestat, “fed off the blood of the alligators, snakes, and all the putrid life of the Mississippi,” Woerner says of this scene (not pictured) from the 1994 flick. “This turned him into a hideous, and slightly green, monster for a brief moment or two.”
Parker Posey, Blade: Trinity
Woerner can’t help but think the indie actress “looks badass” (not to mention her pearly whites looking downright perfect) in the 2004 flick, but her curlicue bangs could definitely use some reconsideration before she makes it to vampire sex symbol status.