Top 10 Useless TV Characters
10. Mady Gosselin from “Jon & Kate Plus 8”
Easily the most controversial inclusion because she’s a child on a reality show that didn’t ask to be filmed. But anyone who watches “J&KP8” will attest that Mady’s made them consider sterilization.
She possess every quality – selfish, egocentric, whiner, not a joiner – that parents would use genetic testing to eradicate if it were an option. But considering J&K have eight kids, they should feel lucky only one bares the mark of the beast.
9. ABC’s Whiny Women
Keeping with the whole ‘siblings are no fun’ theme, Lexie Grey from “Grey’s Anatomy” and Rebecca Harper from “Brothers & Sisters” tie for the number nine slot because they annoy me for the same exact reasons.
Both spend whole hours bemoaning the lack of love in their lineage. Lexie can’t grasp that Meredith is a cold fish, while Rebecca should just leave The Walkers alone since that whole clan was thisclose to making the list. Seriously, any judge would emancipate a minor who has the misfortune of coming from either The Walkers or The Grey family tree.
8. Ignacio Suarez on “Ugly Betty”
Whether he’s saddled with the worst storylines or doling out advice, empanadas and hija’s, I have not come across a more expendable character in years. Name one thing he’s done in three seasons to move the story forward or involve me in any way.
I was relieved when he got deported and can think of at least four characters “Ugly Betty” could bring back – Henry, Charlie, Gio & Cliff – whose clothes were more interesting than this dried up fountain of wisdom. Adios!
7. Shane Botwin on “Weeds”
I used to really like Shane Botwin. For the first three seasons he was charming, witty and balanced out his unbalanced clan. But a funny thing happened on the way to Del Mar – Shane became the most obnoxious, self-centered little boy on TV.
Stealing from Silas, lying to Nancy, having sex with goth girls and completely abandoning Isabelle, he became the kind of character that old Shane would’ve punched in the face. Except the character would never actually do that.
6. The Cast of “Stylista”
Something tells me that the devil would happily give up her collection of Prada if it meant never having to ever hear from these snotty, bland and dim fashion up-starts again. Even Danielle, the plus-sized editrix-in-training turned out to be as vapid and mean spirited as the girls who mocked her.
But the worst offender was Miranda Priestly wanna-be Anne Slowey. Nothing that came out of her mouth felt natural, sounded smart or was delivered with sincerity. Her attempt to dethrone Nina Garcia as fashion’s reigning queen was a major faux pas.
5. Mike Delfino on “Desperate Housewives”
I understand why everyone was all a twitter over Mike Delfino in season one – he was fresh meat who never seemed to find a shirt that fit properly. But after five years of hang dog stares, this tool possesses less sex appeal than the wrench in his box.
The fact that all the women on Wisteria Lane continue to find him desirable – particularly the fab Katherine Mayfair – is more inexplicable than how he continues to cheat death. Mike’s been run over, almost burned alive, shot and comatose – can’t one stick?
4. Dr. Sean McNamara on “Nip/Tuck”
On “Nip/Tuck,” Sean McNamara is always overshadowed by his more boisterous, bold and beautiful partner Christian Troy. The same applies to their characters. I know that Sean is supposed to be the yin to Christian’s yang, but last season he was more like the yawn to Christian’s yang.
It says a lot that about Sean that I was rooting for his deranged stalker, the incredible Colleen Rose, to kill him and somehow through the aid of advanced plastic surgery assume his identity.
3. Frannie on “Greek”
My hate for Frannie probably stems from the despicable depths she stooped to in her quest for power over the last two and a half years – she split up Evan and Casey, drove ZBZ into the ground, turned her sister’s against one another and sold out the house before starting to date Evan.
I know this technically makes her the show’s most compelling villain, but even Darth Vadar would flinch at her choice to abandon ZBZ and start her own sorority. “OMG, Luke – what a bitch,” he’d wheeze.
2. Vanessa Abrams on “Gossip Girl”
This show has done an amazing job of making the lives and loves of every one of these Upper East Siders interesting enough to endlessly gossip about – everyone that is, except for Vanessa. Every time she is shoehorned into a storyline, I immediately stop caring. Jenny and Nate’s relationship – creepy, but I’ll play along. Vanessa’s involved…what’s Eric doing?
I can’t decide if the real issue is that V’s poorly written, poorly acted or a combination of the two wrapped in overly emo packaging.
1. Mohinder Suresh on “Heroes”
In season one Mohinder served as the entry point for the audience into this complex world. Very kind of him, but like a good tour guide, he should know when to shut up! Every week with the melodic voice overs, repeating the same boring BS about how great power leads to great responsibility.
Even with a superpower, Mohinder was still terrible. Now he comes with 90% more slime? Fantastic idea, take a character no one likes and cover him in scales and gross goo – that’ll really endear him to us.