Top 10 movies that should’ve been good. But weren’t.

No 10 – Hulk

What it’s about:
The film adaptation of the Marvel comic, tells the story of genetics scientist Bruce Banner (Eric Bana), who accidentally ruins his life forever, after a gamma bomb he invented, blows up in his face. The explosion permanently alters his DNA, turning him into a huge and totally ripped green monster whenever he gets angry.

Why it failed:
We were over excited 1) because Hulk was one of the world’s favourite comic book characters and 2) Academy award winning Ang Lee was directing it. Ang Lee was like a kid in a giant, gold plated, diamond encrusted, sweet shop and as a result he sort of messed up a good thing. He made Hulk too edgy and gave him too many inner demons to deal with. Although CGI hulk’s facial expressions were many and varied his body movements were too bouncy and out of control.  It just wasn’t even trying to be realistic.

Saving Grace:
Eric Bana did a good job of the whole ‘I may be big, but I’m still vulnerable’ routine and it is a shame that the CGI Hulk took over as often as it did. Damn the Aussie for not being able to transform into a 15ft green mutant.  Look at Christian Bale, for example. He was able to morph into an egotistical, screamy arsehole on the set of Terminator Salvation without any trouble.

No 9 – Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

What it’s about:
A veteran Indiana Jones takes a break from the day job as a tenured professor to find an inanimate object with enough power (in the wrong hands) to destroy the world. Along for the ride is try–hard Shia LaBoeuf who puts in a pretty credible acting performance as the reluctant sidekick. The Russians, led by a psychic dominatrix (Blanchett) clad in appropriate bondage gear, are also in hot pursuit.

Why it failed:
After 19 years of silence, the title of Indiana Jones 4 is released – Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Cracking. The experience of watching the final product? In the words of one FHM reviewer, it resembled ‘your inner child being raped.’ Even if you excuse the pretty ropey acting performances and Harrison Ford’s craggy appearance, the film’s serious abuse of the green screen reminded us more of a hyper 1980s game show than what it could have been, one of the greatest action adventure films of the past decade. What seemed to irate and bamboozle fans most, was the inclusion of some ridiculous CGI gophers and monkeys courtesy of George Lucas.

No 8 – Rocky Balboa

What it’s about:
Another old timer gets back in the gym and prepares himself for battle one last time. With the help of his son, and in memory of his dead wife, Rocky Balboa pulls himself out of a vortex of unending grief and self pity to once again rise out of the proverbial ashes as a rippling mass of muscle. Oh God. Rocky returns to the ring to fight Antonia Tarver in a virtual match (what?), in order to reclaim his status as the ultimate boxing machine we all know and love.

Why it failed:
It was a one man show with Stallone writing, directing and starring in the final and most disappointing instalment of the Rocky series. The implausible plot and tired clichés were worse than the state of Stallone’s droopy face and only muddied the stellar reputation of the Academy award winning franchise. Oops.

Saving Grace:
Although the script needed some work, Stallone looked more than physically fit to play the part, at the age of 60. Keep on trucking fella.

No 7 – The Italian Job

What it’s about:
It’s a reworking of the 1969 classic which starred Michael Caine. Mark Wahlberg, who steps into Caine’s shoes as Charlie Croker is the heist mastermind responsible for stealing $34 million worth of gold buillon in Venice.  Charlie and his team of theiving experts flee the scene of the crime before realising they’ve been double crossed by one of their own. The team is then joined by Charlize Theron who helps them seek vengeance on Judas in L.A, in a fleet of suped up minis, where they cause the biggest traffic jam ever recorded.

Why it failed:
Anyone who liked the original, really liked the original, so even if the script hadn’t been up to scratch, it’s likely that fans wouldn’t have been satisfied without cockney comedian Michael Caine repeating the nauseating yet class line, “You’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!”.

No 6 – Ali

What it’s about:
Michael Mann directs this attempt at a Cassius Clay/Muhammad Ali biopic. Will Smith plays the boxing icon with his wife Jada Pinkett Smith, Jamie Foxx and Jon Voight in supporting roles.

Why it failed:
It was an impressive attempt, but narrowly missed the point. We’d heard it all before, and were bored with the heavy breathing, sweaty chest and menacing stare. The deep exploration of the icon’s psyche was lacking. Critics complained that the unanswered question remained unanswered: ‘Was Ali ever scared?’ I guess we’ll never know.  And it’s another blood, buckets of sweat, and tears performance from Smith, but it was never going to be Oscar worthy.

Saving Graces:
Had Michael Mann’s protagonist and plot been fictional, it would have been a good boxing film.

No 5 – Godzilla

What’s it about:
Yes it’s another remake, and at this point we’re all collectively sighing at how predictable these directors can be. The story: An egg is exposed to nuclear testing on the island of French Polynesia and is subsequently messed up. The egg cracks and unleashes an unimaginably (unless you’ve seen any other monster disaster movie) large, ugly and aggressive beast seeking a lovely nesting ground in Manhattan.

Why it failed:
The 1954 original wasn’t all that in the first instance, replacing a real plot with some pretty shoddy special effects and hoping no one would notice. It appears that the Godzilla take 2 could do no better, at least on the story, which is clearly aimed at the movie goer with low expectations.

Saving Grace:
Again, scraping the barrel here… the soundtrack?

No 4 – Terminator Salvation

What it’s about:
It’s 2018 and John Connor is all grown up (and Christian Bale). Bale runs around and shouts a lot, like a maniac on crack, whilst battling Skynet and the not so scary any more, terminators, to save humans from extinction for the final time.

Why it failed:
We had the teaser trailer, the full length trailer, the awesome trailer, the new trailer, sneak preview, new footage, exclusive clips and finally the verdict… In a word: disappointing. Why? You’ll find Terminator Salvation’s complete list of failings here. Warning: it may be to painful to look.

Saving Grace:
Because of his moronic rant on the set of this movie, we now know that Christian Bale is an idiot.

No 3 – The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

What it’s about:
In an alternate 1899, legendary adventurer Allan Quatermain (Sean Connery) must locate a team of wacko superheroes, mad enough to defeat the megalomaniac villain, Fantom, from starting a world war.

Why it failed:
This was to be a superhero like no other… sure. The comic book caper didn’t really translate to film, which was over plotted. However, we were ready to be blinded to all that, if the special effects were extraordinary. They weren’t. And once again we were disappointed that we’d spend in excess of five English pounds to see such drivel.

Saving Grace:
Poor old Connery couldn’t see the big flop coming and to be fair did his best to save the film. But not even Bond could revive this one.

No 2 – Spiderman 3

What it’s about:
Some meteor crash lands in Manhattan with some sticky, black, lively substance attached to it. It’s looking for a new host and spidey appears to be him. Whilst being corrupted by this weird webby goo – which basically makes him behave like a douchebag with too much grease in his over groomed hair– he has to contend with Sandman and Goblin Jr. who would love nothing more than to contain spidey under an oversized cup (without holes) and leave him there to perish.

Why it failed:
There were too many big characters without enough emotional depth. The plot was disjointed and Spidey’s alter-ego was more ‘hello sailor’ than hero turned villain.  We didn’t know who to root for in this film; Spidey turned bad, Sandman, the bland Goblin Jr. , or Tobey’s twin who became a bad guy right at the end? It was a case of too many villains spoil the multi million pound franchise.

Saving Grace:
Sony’s interference meant that the CGI was exceptional.

No 1 – Resident Evil

What it’s about:
A naked Milla Jovovich wakes up in the shower having lost her memory. But that doesn’t matter because she needs to team up with fellow hot tom-boy Michelle Rodriguez and some other science boffs to uncover the reason why a bioengineering plant ‘The Hive’ goes berserk and gasses its employees. Milla and friends are forced to fight lurching zombies, deadly security lazers, mutant dogs and a 9ft tongue…

Why it failed:
Ok so it’s not the worst movie adaptation of a console game, but it’s not good. The film couldn’t reproduce that same fear and tension Shinji and the team at Capcom have been delivering consistently since 1996 for the Resident Evilgame series. Unlike any of the games, the film is too predictable and inanely nonsensical. Why is there a limit of 60 minutes to get out of the Hive before ‘the real’ shutdown? If the Red Queen has already gassed out all the employees from the inside, what’s the point in giving them 60 minutes to scramble about to get out of the place if they are all dead?

Saving Grace:
They’ll never stop making the games.